Vote Wally Panther, Festival Edition
Vote Wally Panther! Wally’s Core Values.
Do you know what your values are? Wally does!
Wally wants your vote. It’s not important why. He’s such a nice boy.
Product of talk radio and wealthy grandparents, his views may be misguided, but his heart is pure.
Featuring Ben Begley and Bryan Kirkwood.
Produced by Christian Monzon.
Written and Directed by Adam Fike.
Director of Photography Peter Castagnetti.
Thank you to our friends at: http://alexandriafilm.org.
INT. WALLY’S HOUSE – DAY
WALLY PANTHER smiles into the camera in front of a huge American flag. There’s another on his lapel.
WALLY: Hello there. My name is Wallace Panther. I would like to be your next East Valley Conservative Assembly Delegate and proudly represent our local area at this year’s annual conference in downtown St. Louis . . . He takes a long drink of water.
WALLY: . . . and these are my core values.
CARD: Wally’s Core Value’s #1, America Knows Best.
WALLY: Number one. America knows best. We’re Americans and we always have been. Always will be. God made us this way. And that’s in the constitution, which God, you have to admit, pretty much wrote as well. And that’s it. So go blame who ever you want for all the stuff that America does. We the people don’t want to hear it. Number two. I don’t trust newspapers. And you shouldn’t either. I don’t trust television news. Or generally what people tell me in person. Only radio. And not F.M., that’s for sure. And even then only the stations from billboards that clearly say they are going to tell me the truth.
CARD: Wally’s Core Value’s #2, Don’t Trust Newspapers.
WALLY: Number two. I don’t trust newspapers. And you shouldn’t either. I don’t trust television news. Or generally what people tell me in person. Only radio. And not F.M., that’s for sure. And even then only the stations from billboards that clearly say they are going to tell me the truth. A photo of a billboard reads: “KCON – News & Talk A.M. 530 – We never let ‘facts’ get in the way of the REAL story!”
CARD: Wally’s Core Value’s #3, Helping People Isn’t Right.
WALLY: Three. Folks, let’s be honest. Helping people just isn’t right. We all know it’s the worst thing you can do for them. Helping people goes against everything that freedom and capitalism stand for. People like my great, great grandfather worked their whole lives to become wealthy. He sold over-ripe fruit back to hungry farmers at a tidy profit. The man was a free-market genius. Back then you could make a dollar that way. But not now. These days you have to give half your money away. To who? Poor people, that’s who. My grandmother had a term for those people. The do nothings. Wise woman, my Grandmother. Put them in prison for a week, she’d say, that’ll set those beggars straight. Poor people are the worst. I mean, why don’t they just cut it out already? And you see them with their cell phones and their new tennis shoes. I mean, really. If you’re going to be poor, you should act at least like it. For goodness sake.
CARD: Wally’s Core Value’s #4, Governement IS The Problem.
WALLY: Four. Ronald Reagan said, “Government is not the solution to our problems. Government is the problem.” And you didn’t see him making the government any bigger. Am I right? Or our debt for that matter. The man was a saint. So cut it out already, Government. All we need Government for is police and roads. That’s all. And wars. And I guess traffic laws too. With the roads, I mean. And to make sure planes don’t crash. But that’s all. Of course, you can’t sell rotten meat to school children. There are real monsters out there. So just that. Laws, transportation, defense, schools, health. And zoning. Our home owners association is suing this guy at the end of our block who built a deck that’s WAY too big for his house. You can’t see it from the street, but it’s the principle of the thing, that’s what we’re saying. Any government beyond that is socialism. And as we all know, socialism is a living hell. Don’t take my word for it. Ask Sweden. So Government is wrong, plain and simple. Unless it’s protecting you, your children, your home or your borders, you don’t need it. So people should just stop asking for it. Much like you, I truly hate government. And that is why my personal dream is someday to be elected to public office.
CARD: Wally’s Core Value’s #5, No More Rules For Business.
WALLY: Number Five. All these rules for businesses these days are just wrong. Environmental rules. Economic rules. Minimum wage. Tell me this. Who’s your friend? The corporation that pays your salary or the government who steals their money and forces them to pay you less? Name one problem in this country in the last twenty years that was the result of deregulating an industry. Go on. I dare you. We’re Wally puts down the papers and leans into the camera.
WALLY: And finally, good news! There’s actually no such thing as gay. Just an unfortunate misunderstanding about a perfectly good and useful word. My Grandmother was very wise. She taught me so many things. She would say, Wallace, sometimes the television in your brain just gets stuck on the wrong channel, that’s all. It’s normal. It even happened to her once, though she chose not to tell me about it. Kid’s at summer camp play lots of Horseshoes. Archery. You keep playing those games grow up, do you? No way! You don’t see adults going swimming in the middle of the day or canoeing deep into the woods to tell stories around a fire. Though if they did, it would certainly be gay. And I mean that in the good way. So get over it! This sort of thing is all a part of growing up. Perfectly natural. My Grandmother would always say, there are no gay ducks, Wallace. None at all! He takes another long drink of water.
WALLY: So next time you’re thinking about the East Valley Conservative Caucus, what you’re looking for in a future delegate, or even just about the Hyatt Regency in lovely downtown St. Louis – Think Wally Panther! You’ll be glad you did!
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